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Bureau of Awful Trite Labels (BATL) is a serious, sister
agency of the long-established Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms
(BATF). The head of the agency is Professor G. Farnsworth Spellum, a former
professor of English at Rutgers University, New Jersey, and one of the
leading cliché fighters in the English Language today.
The agency is expected to end the spate of clichés
popping up on back label copy all over the world.
This will, perhaps one day include India where the back
labels (please await a separate article) make you believe that the best
wine is perhaps in that bottle. It is not material that it may be a table
wine, full of chemicals.
The first phrase to be struck down is: "This wine
is immediately approachable, but will yield rich rewards if held several
years." Dr. Spellum said that 512 wine brands now convey this message
on the label, far beyond the limits of human endurance.
The second phrase to be eliminated is the use of "hand-crafted"
on the back label. Dr. Spellum noted that over 600 wineries are using
the words "hand-crafted" in spite of the fact that all the wineries
doing so have a great deal of mechanical equipment in their cellars.
Another phrase to be banned immediately is 'Great wines
begin in the vineyard.' This is particularly confusing to Dr. Spellum.
"It was pointed out to me by a well-known wine consumer familiar
with all the lower end wine categories (under $5.00) that bad wines also
start in the vineyards, except the very few wines that start in the chemistry
lab. Obviously this phrase has been mauled into incomprehensibility."
Dr. Spellum also noted there will be specific issues
with specific varietals. The use of the premium varietal pinot noir in
conjunction with the phrase "seeking the Holy Grail" will be
banned.
Also to be banned are all sophomoric puns on zinfandel
such as zeven deadly zins, zinphomaniacs, zincere, zintillating and the
substitution of inelegant words like bubblies, fizzies, sparklies and
popsies for Champagne or sparkling wine.
Another issue that will fall under the aegis of the BATL
will be the writing of wine and food pairings. Starting in 2009, all wine
and food pairings listed on back label copy must meet the rigid guidelines
soon to be published.
"Terroir is another word that can have vastly different
implications depending on a host of intertwined factors, geographical
as well as philological. In my opinion, this cliché belongs to
the French, and they should rightly have it. What happens in Burgundy
stays in Burgundy," says Dr Spellum
"There is no doubt in my mind that the elimination
of wine clichés and the introduction of new and exciting literary
phrases to the genre will create a renaissance in back label copy writing,'
he is reported to have said at the press conference attended by Napa
valley register."
Are the Indian producers or the bureaucrats tuned in?
In case you did not catch it yet, it is a spoof on
the awful and trite back labels that are plaguing the US indusry and to
a greater extent to the Indian wines.. Editor
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